but I knew
exactly what he planned to do... to slip out and to get away before I
caught him... and just because he was afraid I had a little work for
him to do!"
A little work! Aye,
there's the rub--if only it were not always just a little work we had
to do! If only in their minds there ever were a moment of supreme
occasion or sublime event! If only it were not al ways just a little
thing they have in mind, a little work we had to do!
If
only there were something, just a spark of joy to lift the heart, a
spark of magic to fire the spirit, a spark of understanding of the
thing we want to do, a grain of feeling, or an atom of imagination!
But always it is just a little work, a little thing we have to do!
Is it the little labor that she asks that we
begrudge? Is it the little effort which it would require that we
abhor? Is it the little help she asks for that we ungencrously
withhold, a hate of work, a fear of sweat, a spirit of mean giving?
No! It is not this at all. It is that women in the early afternoon
are dull, and dully ask dull things of us; it is that women in the
afternoon are dull, and ask us always for a little thing, and do not
understand!
It is that at this hour of
day we do not want them near us--we would be alone. They smell of
kitchen steam and drabness at this time of day: the depressing
moistures of defunctive greens, left-over cabbage, lukewarm boilings,
and the dinner scraps. An atmosphere of sudsy water now pervades
them; their hands drip rinsings and their lives are grey.
These people do not know it, out of mercy we
have never told them; but their lives lack interest at three
o'clock--we do not want them, they must let us be.
They
have some knowledge for the morning, some for afternoon, more for
sunset, much for night; but at three o'clock they bore us, they must
leave us be! They do not understand the thousand lights and weathers
of the day as we; light is just light to them, and morning morning,
and noon noon. They do not know the thing that comes and goes--the
way light changes, and the way things shift; they do not know how
brightness changes in the sun, and how man's spirit changes like a
flick of light. Oh, they do not know, they cannot understand, the
life of life, the joy of joy, the grief of grief unutterable, the
eternity of living in a moment, the thing that changes as light
changes, as swift and passing as a swallow's flight; they do not know
the thing that comes and goes and never can be captured, the thorn of
Spring, the sharp and tongueless cry!
They
do not understand the joy and horror of the day as we can feel it;
they do not understand the thing we dread at this hour of the
afternoon.
To them the light is light,
the brief hour passing; their soaps-suds spirits do not contemplate
the horror of hot light in afternoon. They do not understand our
loathing of hot gardens, the way our spirits dull and sicken at hot
light. They do not know how hope forsakes us, how joy flies away,
when we look at the mottled torpor of hot light on the hydrangeas,
the broad-leaved dullness of hot dock-weeds growing by the barn. They
do not know the horror of old rusty cans filled into gaps of rubbish
underneath the fence; the loathing of the mottled, hot, and torpid
light upon a row of scraggly corn; the hopeless depth of torpid, dull
depression which the sight of hot coarse grasses in the sun can rouse
to a numb wakefulness of horror in our souls at three o'clock.
It is a kind of torpid stagnancy of life, it
is a hopelessness of hope, a dull, numb lifelessness of life! It is
like looking at a pool of stagnant water in the dull torpor of the
light of three o'clock. It is like being where no green is, where no
cool is, where there is no song of un- seen birds, where there is no
sound of cool and secret waters, no sound of rock-bright, foaming
waters; like being where no gold and green and sudden magic is, to be
called out to do little things at three o'clock.
Ah,
Christ, could we make speech say what no speech utters, could we make
tongue speak what no tongue says! Could we enlighten their
enkitchened lives with a revealing utterance, then they would never
send us out to do a little thing at three o'clock.
We
are a kind that hate clay banks in afternoon, the look of cinders,
grimy surfaces, old blistered clapboard houses, the train yards and
the coaches broiling on the tracks. We loathe the sight of concrete
walls, the fly-speckled windows of the Greek, the strawberry horror
of the row of lukewarm soda-pop. At this hour of the day we sicken at
the Greek's hot window, at his greasy frying plate that fries and
oozes with a loathsome sweat in the full torpor of the sun. We hate
the row of greasy frankfurters that sweat and ooze there on the
torpid plate, the loathsome pans all oozing with a stew of greasy
onions, mashed pota toes, and hamburger steaks. We loathe the Greek's
swart features in the light of three o'clock, the yellowed
pock-marked pores that sweat in the hot light. We hate the light that
shines on motor cars at three o'clock, we hate white plaster
surfaces, new stucco houses, and most open places where there are no
trees.
We must have coolness, dankness,
darkness; we need gladed green and gold and rock-bright running
waters at the hour of three o'clock.
We
must go down into the coolness of a concrete cellar. We like dark
shade, and cool, dark smells, and cool, dark, secret places, at the
hour of three o'clock. We like cool, strong smells with some cool
staleness at that hour. Man smells are good at three o'clock. We like
to remember the smells of all things that were in our father's room:
the dank, cool pungency of the plug of apple tobacco on the
mantelpiece, bit into at one end, and stuck with a bright red flag;
the smell of the old mantel piece, the wooden clock, the old calf
bindings of a few old books; the smell of the rocking chair, the rug,
the walnut bureau, and the cool, dark smell of clothing in the
closet.
At this hour of the day we like
the smell of old unopened rooms, old packing cases, tar, and the
smell of the grape vines on the cool side of the house. If we go out,
we want to go out in green shade and gladed coolnesses, to lie down
on our bellies underneath the maple trees and work our toes down into
the thick green grass. If we have to go to town we want to go to
places like our uncle's hardware store, where we can smell the cool,
dark cleanliness of nails, hammers, saws, tools, T-squares,
implements of all sorts; or to a saddle shop where we can get the
smell of leather; or to our father's brick and lumber yard where we
can get the smells of putty, glass, and clean white pine, the smell
of the mule-teams, and the lumber sheds. It is also good to go into
the cool glade of the drug store at this hour, to hear the cool,
swift slatting of the wooden fans, and to smell the citrus pungency
of lemons, limes, and oranges, the sharp and clean excitements of
unknown medicines.
The smell of a
street car at this hour of day is also good--a dynamic smell of
motors, wood work, rattan seats, worn brass, and steel-bright
flanges. It is a smell of drowsy, warm excitement, and a nameless
beat ing of the heart; it speaks of going somewhere. If we go
anywhere at this hour of day, it is good to go to the baseball game
and smell the grandstand, the old wooden bleachers, the green turf of
the playing field, the horsehide of the ball, the gloves, the mitts,
the clean resilience of the ash-wood bats, the smells of men in
shirt-sleeves, and the sweating players.
And
if there is work to do at three o'clock--if we must rouse ourselves
from somnolent repose, and from the green-gold drowsy magic of our
meditations--for God's sake give us something real to do. Give us
great labors, but vouchsafe to us as well the promise of a great
accomplishment, the thrill of peril, the hope of high and spirited
adventure. For God's sake don't destroy the heart and hope and life
and will, the brave and dreaming soul of man, with the common, dull,
soul-sickening, mean transactions of these little things!
Don't break our heart, our hope, our ecstasy,
don't shatter irrevocably some brave adventure of the spirit, or some
brooding dream, by sending us on errands which any stupid girl, or
nigger wench, or soulless underling of life could just as well
accomplish. Don't break man's heart, man's life, man's song, the
soaring vision of his dream with--"Here, boy, trot around the
corner for a loaf of bread,"--or "Here, boy; the telephone
company has just called up--you'll have to trot around there.."--Oh,
for God's sake, and my sake, please don't say 'trot around'--"...
and pay the bill before they cut us off!"
Or,
fretful-wise, be-flusteredlike, all of a twitter, scattered and de
moralized, fuming and stewing, complaining, whining, railing against
the universe because of things undone you should have done yourself,
because of errors you have made yourself, because of debts unpaid you
should have paid on time, because of things forgotten you should have
remembered--fretting, complaining, galloping off in all directions,
unable to get your thoughts together, unable even to call a child by
his proper name--as here: "Ed, John, Bob--pshaw, boy! George, I
mean!
Well, then for God's sake, mean
it!
"Why, pshaw!--to think that
that fool nigger--I could wring her neck when I think of it--well, as
I say now...."
Then, in God's
name, say it!
"... why, you
know..."
No! I do not know!
"...
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