Dost thou live by1

thy tabor?

FESTE    No, sir, I live by the church.

VIOLA    Art thou a churchman?

FESTE    No such matter, sir. I do live by the church, for I do

live at my house, and my house doth stand by the church.

VIOLA    So thou mayst say, the king lies by7 a beggar, if a

beggar dwell near him, or the church stands8 by thy tabor, if

thy tabor stand9 by the church.

FESTE    You have said, sir. To see this age! A sentence10 is but

a cheveril11 glove to a good wit. How quickly the wrong side

may be turned outward!

VIOLA    Nay, that’s certain. They that dally nicely13 with

words may quickly make them wanton.14

FESTE    I would, therefore, my sister had had no name, sir.

VIOLA    Why, man?

FESTE    Why, sir, her name’s a word, and to dally with that

word might make my sister wanton. But indeed, words are

very rascals since bonds disgraced them.19

VIOLA    Thy reason, man?

FESTE    Troth, sir, I can yield21 you none without words, and

words are grown so false, I am loath to prove reason with

them.

VIOLA    I warrant thou art a merry fellow and car’st for

nothing.

FESTE    Not so, sir, I do care for something. But in my

conscience, sir, I do not care for you: if that be to care for

nothing, sir, I would it would make you invisible.

VIOLA    Art not thou the lady Olivia’s fool?

FESTE    No, indeed, sir, the lady Olivia has no folly. She will

keep no fool, sir, till she be married, and fools are as like

husbands as pilchards32 are to herrings: the husband’s the

bigger. I am indeed not her fool, but her corrupter of words.

VIOLA    I saw thee late34 at the count Orsino’s.

FESTE    Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb35 like the sun, it

shines everywhere. I would be sorry, sir, but36 the fool should

be as oft with your master as with my mistress. I think I saw

your wisdom38 there.

VIOLA    Nay, an thou pass upon39 me, I’ll no more with thee.

Gives money

Hold, there’s expenses for thee.

FESTE    Now Jove, in his next commodity41 of hair, send thee

a beard!

VIOLA    By my troth I’ll tell thee, I am almost sick for one43—

Aside

though I would not have it grow on my chin.— Is

thy lady within?

FESTE    Would not a pair of these have bred46, sir?

VIOLA    Yes, being kept together and put to use.47

FESTE    I would play Lord Pandarus of Phrygia48, sir, to bring

a Cressida48 to this Troilus.

Gives more money

VIOLA    I understand you, sir. ’Tis well

begged.

FESTE    The matter, I hope, is not great, sir; begging but a

beggar. Cressida was a beggar.53 My lady is within, sir. I will

conster54 to them whence you come. Who you are and what

you would are out of my welkin. I might say ‘element55’, but

the word is over-worn.

Exit

VIOLA    This fellow is wise enough to play the fool,

And to do that well craves58 a kind of wit:

He must observe their mood on whom he jests,

The quality60 of persons, and the time,

And, like the haggard, check61 at every feather

That comes before his eye. This is a practice62

As full of labour as a wise man’s art,

For folly that he wisely shows is fit64;

But wise men, folly-fall’n65, quite taint their wit.

Enter Sir Toby and Andrew

SIR TOBY    Save you, gentleman.

VIOLA    And you, sir.

SIR ANDREW    Dieu vous garde, monsieur68.

VIOLA    Et vous aussi. Votre serviteur69.

SIR ANDREW    I hope, sir, you are, and I am yours.

SIR TOBY    Will you encounter71 the house? My niece is desirous

you should enter, if your trade be to72 her.

VIOLA    I am bound to your niece, sir. I mean she is the list73 of

my voyage.

SIR TOBY    Taste75 your legs, sir, put them to motion.

VIOLA    My legs do better understand76 me, sir, than I

understand what you mean by bidding me taste my legs.

SIR TOBY    I mean, to go, sir, to enter.

VIOLA    I will answer you with gait and entrance.79 But we are

prevented.80

Enter Olivia and Gentlewoman [Maria]

Most excellent accomplished lady, the heavens rain odours81

on you!

To Toby

SIR ANDREW    That youth’s a rare courtier. ‘Rain

odours’, well.

VIOLA    My matter hath no voice85, lady, but to your own

most pregnant and vouchsafed86 ear.

To Toby

SIR ANDREW    ‘Odours,’ ‘pregnant’ and ‘vouchsafed’.

I’ll get ’em all three all ready.88

OLIVIA    Let the garden door be shut, and leave me to my

hearing.90—

[Exeunt Sir Toby, Sir Andrew and Maria]

Give me your hand, sir.

VIOLA    My duty, madam, and most humble service.

OLIVIA    What is your name?

VIOLA    Cesario is your servant’s name, fair princess.

OLIVIA    My servant, sir? ’Twas never merry world95

Since lowly feigning was called compliment.96

You’re servant to the count Orsino, youth.

VIOLA    And he is yours, and his98 must needs be yours:

Your servant’s servant is your servant, madam.

OLIVIA    For100 him, I think not on him: for his thoughts,

Would they were blanks101, rather than filled with me!

VIOLA    Madam, I come to whet your gentle thoughts

On his behalf.

OLIVIA    O, by your leave, I pray you.

I bade you never speak again of him;

But, would you undertake another suit106,

I had rather hear you to solicit107 that

Than music from the spheres.108

VIOLA    Dear lady—

OLIVIA    Give me leave110, beseech you. I did send,

After the last enchantment you did here,

A ring in chase of you: so did I abuse112

Myself, my servant and, I fear me, you.

Under your hard construction114 must I sit,

To force115 that on you, in a shameful cunning,

Which you knew none of yours. What might you think?

Have you not set mine honour at the stake117

And baited it with all th’unmuzzled thoughts

That tyrannous heart can think? To one of your receiving119

Enough is shown: a cypress120, not a bosom,

Hides my heart. So, let me hear you speak.

VIOLA    I pity you.

OLIVIA    That’s a degree123 to love.

VIOLA    No, not a grize, for ’tis a vulgar proof124,

That very oft we pity enemies.

OLIVIA    Why, then, methinks ’tis time to smile again.126

O, world, how apt the poor are to be proud!

If one should be a prey, how much the better

To fall before the lion129 than the wolf!

Clock strikes

The clock upbraids me with the waste of time.

Be not afraid, good youth, I will not have you:

And yet, when wit and youth is come to harvest,

Your wife is like to reap a proper133 man.

There lies your way, due west.

VIOLA    Then westward-ho! Grace and good disposition135

Attend your ladyship!

You’ll137 nothing, madam, to my lord by me?

OLIVIA    Stay.

I prithee tell me what thou think’st of me.

VIOLA    That you do think you are not what you are.140

OLIVIA    If I think so, I think the same of you.

VIOLA    Then think you right: I am not what I am.

OLIVIA    I would you were as I would have you be.

VIOLA    Would it be better, madam, than I am?

I wish it might, for now I am your fool.145

OLIVIA    O, what a deal146 of scorn looks beautiful

In the contempt and anger of his lip!

A murd’rous guilt shows not itself more soon

Than love that would seem hid: love’s night is noon.149

Cesario, by the roses of the spring,

By maidhood151, honour, truth and everything,

I love thee so that, maugre152 all thy pride,

Nor153 wit nor reason can my passion hide.

Do not extort thy reasons from this clause154,

For that I woo, thou therefore hast no cause155,

But rather reason thus with reason fetter156:

Love sought is good, but given unsought is better.

VIOLA    By innocence I swear, and by my youth,

I have one heart, one bosom and one truth,

And that no woman has, nor never none

Shall mistress be of it, save I alone.

And so adieu, good madam. Never more

Will I my master’s tears to you deplore.163

OLIVIA    Yet come again, for thou perhaps mayst move

That heart which now abhors, to like his love.

Exeunt

Act 3 Scene 2

running scene 11

Enter Sir Toby, Sir Andrew and Fabian

SIR ANDREW    No, faith, I’ll not stay a jot longer.

SIR TOBY    Thy reason, dear venom2, give thy reason.

FABIAN    You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.

SIR ANDREW    Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to the

count’s servingman than ever she bestowed upon me. I saw’t

i’th’orchard.6

SIR TOBY    Did she see thee the while7, old boy? Tell me that.

SIR ANDREW    As plain as I see you now.

FABIAN    This was a great argument9 of love in her toward

you.

SIR ANDREW    ’Slight, will you make an ass o’me?

FABIAN    I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths12 of

judgement and reason.

SIR TOBY    And they have been grand-jurymen since before

Noah15 was a sailor.

FABIAN    She did show favour to the youth in your sight only

to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse17 valour, to put

fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver. You should

then have accosted her, and with some excellent jests, fire-new19

from the mint, you should have banged20 the youth into

dumbness. This was looked for at your hand, and this was

balked. The double gilt22 of this opportunity you let time wash

off, and you are now sailed into the north23 of my lady’s

opinion, where you will hang like an icicle on a Dutchman’s

beard, unless you do redeem it by some laudable attempt

either of valour or policy.26

SIR ANDREW    An’t be any way, it must be with valour, for policy I

hate: I had as lief be a Brownist as a politician.28

SIR TOBY    Why, then, build me29 thy fortunes upon the basis of

valour. Challenge me30 the count’s youth to fight with him.

Hurt him in eleven places: my niece shall take note of it. And

assure thyself, there is no love-broker32 in the world can more

prevail in man’s commendation with woman than report of

valour.

FABIAN    There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.

SIR ANDREW    Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?

SIR TOBY    Go, write it in a martial hand. Be curst37 and brief: it is

no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and full of invention.38

Taunt him with the licence of ink. If thou thou’st39 him some

thrice, it shall not be amiss. And as many lies40 as will lie in thy

sheet of paper, although the sheet were big enough for the

bed of Ware42 in England, set ’em down. Go, about it.