For, as the old hermit of Prague12

that never saw pen and ink very wittily said to a niece of King13

Gorboduc, ‘That that is, is.’ So I, being Master Parson, am

Master Parson; for what is ‘that’ but ‘that’, and ‘is’ but ‘is’?

SIR TOBY    To him, Sir Topas.

FESTE    What, ho, I say? Peace in this prison.

SIR TOBY    The knave counterfeits well, a good knave.

Within

MALVOLIO    Who calls there?

FESTE    Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio

the lunatic.

MALVOLIO    Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

FESTE    Out, hyperbolical fiend! How vexest23 thou this man!

Talkest thou nothing but of ladies?

SIR TOBY    Well said, Master Parson.

MALVOLIO    Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged. Good Sir

Topas, do not think I am mad. They have laid me here in

hideous darkness.

FESTE    Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most

modest terms30, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use

the devil himself with courtesy. Sayest thou that house31 is

dark?

MALVOLIO    As hell, Sir Topas.

FESTE    Why it hath bay windows transparent as

barricadoes, and the clerestories35 toward the south north are

as lustrous as ebony, and yet complainest thou of

obstruction?

MALVOLIO    I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you, this house is

dark.

FESTE    Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but

ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled41 than the

Egyptians in their fog.42

MALVOLIO    I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though

ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say there was never

man thus abused.45 I am no more mad than you are. Make the

trial of it in any constant question.46

FESTE    What is the opinion of Pythagoras47 concerning wild

fowl?

MALVOLIO    That the soul of our grandam might happily49 inhabit

a bird.

FESTE    What think’st thou of his opinion?

MALVOLIO    I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his

opinion.

FESTE    Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness. Thou

shalt hold th’opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy55

wits, and fear to kill a woodcock56, lest thou dispossess the soul

of thy grandam. Fare thee well.

MALVOLIO    Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

SIR TOBY    My most exquisite59 Sir Topas!

FESTE    Nay, I am for all waters.60

MARIA    Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and

gown. He sees thee not.

SIR TOBY    To63 him in thine own voice, and bring me word how

thou findest him. I would we were well rid of this knavery. If

he may be conveniently delivered65, I would he were, for I am

now so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue

with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by67 to

my chamber.

Exeunt [Sir Toby and Maria]

Sings

FESTE    ‘Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,

Tell me how thy lady does.’

MALVOLIO    Fool!

Sings

FESTE    ‘My lady is unkind, perdy.72’

MALVOLIO    Fool!

Sings

FESTE    Alas, why is she so?’

MALVOLIO    Fool, I say!

Sings

FESTE    ‘She loves another’— Who calls, ha?

MALVOLIO    Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my

hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper. As I am a

gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for’t.

FESTE    Master Malvolio?

MALVOLIO    Ay, good fool.

FESTE    Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?82

MALVOLIO    Fool, there was never man so notoriously83 abused. I

am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

FESTE    But85 as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be no

better in your wits than a fool.

MALVOLIO    They have here propertied87 me, keep me in darkness,

send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face88 me

out of my wits.

FESTE    Advise you90 what you say. The minister is here.—

As Sir Topas

Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore!

Endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble babble.92

MALVOLIO    Sir Topas!

As Sir Topas

FESTE    Maintain no words with him, good

As himself

fellow.— Who, I, sir? Not I, sir. God buy you95, good

Sir Topas.—

As Sir Topas

Marry, amen.—

As himself

I will, sir, I will.

MALVOLIO    Fool, fool, fool, I say!

FESTE    Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent100

for speaking to you.

MALVOLIO    Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I

tell thee I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

FESTE    Well-a-day104 that you were, sir.

MALVOLIO    By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and

light, and convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall

advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.

FESTE    I will help you to’t. But tell me true, are you not mad

indeed? Or do you but counterfeit?

MALVOLIO    Believe me, I am not. I tell thee true.

FESTE    Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his brains.

I will fetch you light and paper and ink.

MALVOLIO    Fool, I’ll requite113 it in the highest degree. I prithee be

gone.

FESTE    I am gone, sir,

Sings

And anon, sir,

I’ll be with you again,

In a trice118,

Like to the old Vice119,

Your need to sustain,

Who, with dagger of lath121,

In his rage and his wrath,

Cries ‘Aha!’ to the devil,

Like a mad lad,

Pare thy nails, dad.125

Adieu, goodman126 devil.

Exit

Act 4 Scene 3

running scene 16

Enter Sebastian

SEBASTIAN    This is the air, that is the glorious sun,

Holds up a pearl

This pearl she gave me, I do feel’t and see’t.

And though ’tis wonder that enwraps me thus,

Yet ’tis not madness. Where’s Antonio, then?

I could not find him at the Elephant.

Yet there he was, and there I found this credit6,

That he did range7 the town to seek me out.

His counsel now might do me golden service,

For though my soul disputes well9 with my sense

That this may be some error but no madness,

Yet doth this accident11 and flood of fortune

So far exceed all instance, all discourse12,

That I am ready to distrust mine eyes

And wrangle14 with my reason that persuades me

To any other trust15 but that I am mad,

Or else the lady’s mad; yet, if ’twere so,

She could not sway her house17, command her followers,

Take and give back affairs and their dispatch18

With such a smooth, discreet and stable bearing

As I perceive she does. There’s something in’t

That is deceivable.21 But here the lady comes.

Enter Olivia and Priest

OLIVIA    Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well,

Now go with me and with this holy man

Into the chantry by24: there, before him,

And underneath that consecrated roof,

Plight me the full assurance of your faith26,

That my most jealous27 and too doubtful soul

May live at peace. He shall conceal it

Whiles you are willing it shall come to note29,

What time we will our celebration30 keep

According to my birth.31 What do you say?

SEBASTIAN    I’ll follow this good man, and go with you,

And having sworn truth, ever will be true.

OLIVIA    Then lead the way, good father, and heavens so shine,

That they may fairly note35 this act of mine!

Exeunt

Act 5 Scene 1

running scene 17

Enter Clown [Feste] and Fabian

FABIAN    Now, as thou lovest me, let me see his letter.

FESTE    Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.

FABIAN    Anything.

FESTE    Do not desire to see this letter.

FABIAN    This is to give a dog and in recompense desire my5

dog again.

Enter Duke [Orsino], Viola, Curio and Lords

ORSINO    Belong you to the lady Olivia, friends?

FESTE    Ay, sir, we are some of her trappings.8

ORSINO    I know thee well. How dost thou, my good fellow?

FESTE    Truly, sir, the better for10 my foes and the worse for my

friends.

ORSINO    Just the contrary, the better for thy friends.

FESTE    No, sir, the worse.

ORSINO    How can that be?

FESTE    Marry, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me.

Now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass: so that by my foes,

sir, I profit in the knowledge of myself, and by my friends I am

abused: so that, conclusions to be as kisses, if your four18

negatives make your two affirmatives, why then, the worse

for my friends and the better for my foes.

ORSINO    Why, this is excellent.

FESTE    By my troth, sir, no, though22 it please you to be one of

my friends.23

Gives a coin

ORSINO    Thou shalt not be the worse for me.

There’s gold.

FESTE    But26 that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would you

could make it another.

ORSINO    O, you give me ill counsel.

FESTE    Put your grace in your pocket29, sir, for this once, and

let your flesh and blood obey it.30

Gives another coin

ORSINO    Well, I will be so much a sinner to31 be

a double-dealer. There’s another.

FESTE    Primo, secundo, tertio, is a good play33, and the old

saying is, the third pays for all. The triplex34, sir, is a good

tripping measure, or the bells of Saint Bennet35, sir, may put

you in mind: one, two, three.

ORSINO    You can fool no more money out of me at this

throw.38 If you will let your lady know I am here to speak with

her, and bring her along with you, it may awake my bounty

further.

FESTE    Marry, sir, lullaby41 to your bounty till I come again.